Magne's World

Senior Citizens

2008-07-31

I received the following jokes through email. The original authors were not mentioned...

Lost In The Darndest Places

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Family

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know--I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you... as soon as I see who's at the door."

Old Friends

Now this one is just too precious...

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

Science and Faith

2008-05-30

In these past few days, I've been involved with a friend debating via email on the existence of God because science for him seems to disprove God's existence. Obviously I defended God's existence, but I had a hard time explaining how can faith and science be not contradictory using his viewpoint. On my friend's part, he used knowledge of quantum theory in "demolishing" God, but I stood my ground. I had difficulty giving my side because he doesn't accept the usual common sensical explanations, like the first cause and the designer principles. He's asking for direct evidence from science, and of course there's no such thing. You can't see under the electron microscope an angel's feather, or perhaps look through a very powerful telescope and see God there at the edge of the universe! So how can we go about that predicament?

And of course I could not offer up the bible because for him all these stories were "made up". He made the bible at par with fairy tales, and others like Greek mythology and other folk stories in many countries. It seemed the conversation was drowned by an ocean of relativism, where nobody can possibly know the truth, or which truth. And because one can never know the truth, no truth is accepted except that which is founded on the natural sciences. Such way of thinking is obvious scientism, but most of the time the one scrutinizing the truth only has a superficial scientific knowledge. God can't be "undone" by science, real science. In such a situation, what am I to do? There is no ground to stand on!

A few hours ago, while viewing EWTN, I encountered a certain Dr. Anthony Rizzi Ph.D., who providentially was the guest at EWTN Live! He's a physicist who seems to have all the answers regarding my problems. See his website at www.iapweb.org and look around the site. There is a book for sale entitled The Science Before Science: A Guide To Thinking In The 21st Century; I would try to obtain such book. Alternatively, I'll try to watch his upcoming TV series on EWTN this coming September; that way I won't have to purchase it. There are many other books dealing with the proper understanding of science in the real world.

I ended my conversation knowing that his issues were left hanging. If we see each other again (on-line), I'll be better prepared. I do hope that the Holy Spirit will be with him in his quest, and likewise to all of us believers.

Keka Judge Fullen Anicete

by Amor C. de Jesus

2008-04-22

Juez yang mituringan, king kekaba na ning bie na
Uling malwat menungculan alang matsurang gewa na
Detang taung makadalum a mamarap king Sala na king balen ning Santo Tomas at Minalin a pagsilbyan na, mididinan lang justicia at pareas ing lawe na.
Gewa na ing catungculan, uling biasa ya caring batas at ilang meging giya na.
E na lalun ing bili mu, ma-influencia o makwalta, at caring decision na bucud mu ding ebidencia yla retang tutukian na.

Familya nang caluguran, pepakit na ing lingap na
Uling angga king tauling inawa, e kinupas ing lugud na
Lalu na kang Natividad, ing maganaca nang asawa
Labis-labis ing panirug matyagang menese kaya
Ena alos atanggap-tanggap ing macu at lakwan nala detang anac at apo na a mal dili ketang bie na.
Ngeni ing catataulian muli at marap ne ketang miglalang kaya.

Anya balen Capampangan pasalamat ka't kilala
Ning maningning a licwan na at agawa king balayan
Itang Knights of Columbus nung nucarin mig Grand Knight ca
Carela pepakit mu ing lugud pamanpalataya at mal mung Iglesya.
E wari maging Rotarian ca, Presidenting menungculan
Ticyan mu detang Four Way Test detang apat a surian king pamicaparang tau at caring abe mung Rotarians.
Eulogy o tawling pamun ing buri ku sanang gawan ketang pamaglacbe mu ketang aliwang karinan:

Metung kang mayap a tau, Lider ning balen a tibwan,
Carapatdapat a Juez, maguinu at gagalang,
Modelu ding Cayanacan a dapat ping paciapusan.

At king sariling canacu O canacung caluguran
Judge Fullen Z. Anicete, era na ka acalingwan.

Jesus Saves!

2008-04-10

The following joke (entitled Jesus Saves!) seems to be irreverent but such conversations--between God and Satan--occur in the Holy Bible. In the Book of Job, God argued with the devil. From Job 1.6-12 RSV, the following is read:

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came among them. The LORD said to Satan, "Whence have you come?" Satan answered the LORD, "From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it." And the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?" Then Satan answered the LORD, "Does Job fear God for nought? Hast thou not put a hedge about him and his house and all that he has, on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But put forth thy hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse thee to thy face." And the LORD said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your power; only upon himself do not put forth your hand." So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.

This story partially answers the persistent question on God's goodness. If God is good, why is there suffering on earth? Job suffered a lot, including the loss of his family and all his property, just to test his faith. And who did it--the devil! God allows suffering but it's not for us to split hairs about it. Good may come from evil.

Jesus Saves!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused; they faxed; they e-mailed; they e-mailed with attachments; they downloaded; they did spreadsheets! They wrote reports; they created labels and cards; they created charts and graphs; they did some genealogy reports; they did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all gone! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work... Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, Jesus saves!

Have a great day!

Judge Fulgencio Z. Anicete, 1931-2008

2008-03-03

Exactly a week ago, my beloved father passed away quietly, ending a long bout with COPD, exacerbations of which became more frequent lately. I'm sure he's resting there in heaven, watching over us on earth. Requiescat in pace...

Many relatives and friends gave their gestures of love and support, including from my godfather, Ninong Amor, all the way from California. He sent me and the family many letters of condolences. I published part of his letter to me in Capampangan, our mother tongue...

'...Ketang belita meng meangu bie at angga na ketang aldu ning pangakutkut na, alos e mamaku keng kanakung kaisipan itang larauan na, babalik itang milabas a madalas keng misasabi ketang Judge's chamber na, at kareng lakad mi keng Rotary Club. Unabis, keng pamiabe mi, ala kung atatandanan a mikontra kami. Istung ating pisasabian keng kapulungan a tatagunan mi, parati keng mikakampi anya malagad mung tutu ing ating sasalangsang. Balu re amanu ing Compare ku. Mayap at tapat yang kaluguran y Daddy mu. Dakal ya likuan a kayapan.

Nung sanang mikapamikatagun ku, adinan ke sanang makuyad a eulogy ketang burul na; a sabi ku sana...

"Makanyan lalabas keti babo yatu,
anti mung paninap ing bye na ning tau;
ayup yang linimpad, besibas yang atu,
sala yang kinislap, mipaid yang banglu,
ban lalam ning aun kasakmal nyang abu!

"At ika Judge Fullen Z. Anicete, e raka kalupa
deta ning keraklan taung mauala bie,
ayalang melakwan nanu man ping bague;
king ika daka'la't myaliwang adle
ding keke likwan mu king ba'kang e mate.

"Lalam nang marimla ning kekang kutkutan
painawa nakang mitmung karatunan,
ya nang sunlag keka ing tune katutwan
at king paglakbe mu aliwang balayan
manatili keka tutuk mung kanwanan!"

...Nung nanu ing panandam yu king panga-angu na bie ning Compare ku, aliwa mu ykayu ing menandaman. Dakal la, at kayabe ku kareta. Sana ing panaun supan nakung masalese, at king pamanantabe ning Mayupa, itang meging kaburian na, mipamintu keti sulip anti banua, kalupa na naman ing pamagbalik na kaya ning kayang lelangan y Fulgencio Zabala Anicete. Midinan ya sanang lubus a katajimikan...'

Offer The Other Also

2008-02-06

It's Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the liturgical season of Lent--time to look inwardly and see the more important things in life, things overlooked in our daily routines. We have people around us--friends and strangers--who may need assistance of any sort. We look after those in need, providing what we can depending on our means. When we meditate on the more profound realities, our quarrels with one another seem very insignificant.

When someone hurts us, saying all sorts of things about us, we seek vengeance almost immediately! We cry foul and look to heaven for some justice. Yet, in spite of that feeling, even calling to God for vengeance, we ourselves do to the 'offending' person what we complained about. The Christian way in dealing with such problems is to look at the crucified Lord and see how much pain and suffering he endured for all of mankind. He didn't do anything to deserve that torture. If one cursed us, we don't curse back but bless. The injustice we endured will be without merit if we take revenge and do the same to them. Jesus said, "To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from him who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt (Luke 6.29 RSV)."

People Are Politically Mature, I Think

2008-02-04

Maneuverings for the position of Speaker of the House (Philippines) are again dangled at the surface, and I am amused. The present speaker is in danger of being ousted by his peers, but he seems to be clinging to his chair no matter what. He just finished delivering a speech where he 'divulged' information that seem to throw mud at the administration (specifically the president). Now the people are fed up with this circus. If he speaks the truth, then why only now? If he witnessed irregularity in the past, then why did he remain silent? It's even worse on his part if he's just making all these up!

There's nothing to it--people are mature enough to judge character. Let the reader decide. Let peace reign!

[I deliberately omitted names and issues so as not to add to the circus.]

Merry Christmas to All!

2007-12-23

Another year is almost over, and a new one is about to begin. Let's all forget about the past, and have a clean slate again--turn a new page as they say. We learned from our mistakes, and let us go forward and really understand what is really important in life--people and our mutual love and concern. Yes, work is important, game is important, but we shouldn't forget the essence--God; and he's reminding us this season to retreat temporarily... inwardly, to think and to meditate... Put back Christ in Christmas.

Merry Christmas!